I have many flaws.
It’s a fact. I will never deny it.
Many are those typical of a teenager. The I-was-procrastinating-and-therefore-didn’t-have-time-to-do-my-homework flaw, the oops-I-forgot-to-send-you-that flaw, and the I-totally-have-no-idea-how-to-do-anything-in-my-life flaw.
However, there is one flaw that I have that may not be as evident as the others.
I guess my greatest flaw that basically encompasses my other flaws is that I can not purposefully express my true self. In other wards, I often find myself concealing my feelings from others out of fear, creating a kind of barrier that suppresses my thoughts, beliefs, and aspirations. The world has thrown a lot of curve balls at me. I’ve experienced so much hate, ambition, disappointment, and pain as I took my first steps into society as a young, innocent child to find that the protected sanctuary my parents had created was no where near as scary as the real world. I guess it mostly started when I was in elementary school where my teacher would compare me to the status of my parents, criticize my abilities, punish anything that seemed too “intelligent,” and my classmates would leave me out and make fun of me. As a result, they shaped who I am today. Too scared, too sensitive, too unsure.
But I believe that they also helped to create who I will one day become. Now someone who thinks a lot (sometimes too much) about the world around, the people and the meaning of life, who is very sensitive and personally affected by even the slightest shift in emotion of others (the subtlest gestures, facial expressions, change in tone), and who often secretly sacrifices personal aspirations for the happiness of others, to a mature, strong human being who will gain the strength to reveal when time prevails and overcome the fears of incorrect expression that bind and harden.
The safeguard that I created to hide my emotions often came with consequences. One vivid memory/quote has always lingered inside of me. It was said by one of my friends who one day suddenly and unexpectedly exploded with anger. She looked me straight in the eye and yelled, “How would you understand! You don’t have any feelings!” To this day I don’t know what about me caused her to have such a strong reaction. The words bit into my heart, but also showed me how I really seemed to others, often times concealing and unsociable. After this encounter, though, I think I actually grew. I came to acknowledge my shortcomings.
As I encounter my flaws one by one and chip away my hard shell, I will always strive towards and try to be the best, true me on the inside and the outside.